It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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