So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this just has baby written all over it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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