Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube