I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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