I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.