So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
