walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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