you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
