Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
