He asked me if I "almost moaned"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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