I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
