In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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