Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Randomize
