all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
