She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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