I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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