): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They took my balls.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
