Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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