I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
