shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
