do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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