You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
