dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
