Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
