My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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