allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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