The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
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I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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