Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You've changed since you got that strap on
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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