as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
