The maid of honor just puked.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
