why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
