She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
