we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
