I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
