After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
