Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
