Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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