Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
