new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
