I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
