You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Holy shit dude........stairs
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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