I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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