Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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