I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
