from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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