I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
