he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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