Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.