3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm