I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
