On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.