just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
