your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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