he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
