I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
