Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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