I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I came so hard my ears popped.
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