textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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