There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
