Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
