I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
