He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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