And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
handjob tips. give me some.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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