franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
